I've been fighting it. I didn't want to believe it was true. I didn't believe that people are that stupid. It is, after all, the holidays. Even I get a bit generous during this time of year. Oh, sure, I threw it around, like it was all in good fun. Well, my friends, I was wrong. It's not often that I admit that I am wrong about anything. Even about which will be bigger, Titanic
, or The Wild Women of Wongo
(time will tell, trust me). But, boy, was I wrong. I was blind. Forgive me. I didn't think that anyone took this so called war (it's really more of a skirmish or a police action) seriously. But, there it is. Right in front of us. A war on Christmas.
I know what you're thinking. It was the same thing I thought. Who in their right mind would even give Bill O'Reilly the time of day, let alone his own show. This was the same man who got caught talking dirty to a television producer with a vibrator up his ass. This man goes beyond normal realms of crazy and dumb. But, he has a strong, forgiving following. And by forgiving, I mean christian fundamentalists. Now, avid fans of HCFP know that I think christians, especially fundamentalist christians, are loony. That's why I never paid much attention to what O'Reilly was saying. Until a couple days ago.
I was at work, not minding my own business, as usual. Someone mentioned that no one said "Merry Christmas" anymore. Naturally, I made a smart ass remark about the "war", and someone laughed (it was probably me). But then someone else spoke up. Actually, about eight people spoke up. Angrily. In defense of Christmas. As if I had committed a heinous crime against humanity. That's right folks; the fundies were out to get me and make me change my Christmas hating ways.
One man said that "85% of America is christian, so 85% of the time you'd be right" with "Merry Christmas". The unrelated woman next to him followed with "the other 15% can just shut their mouths and deal with it". That last comment has something to do with the bible, I'm sure.
The man was correct (as much as I hate to admit it) that 85% of America call themselves Christian. He neglected to mention that only 40% are practicing. In Washington state, only 71% identify themselves as christians, and a whopping 27% are non-religious. That makes my fail rate suddenly a little higher when wishing someone a merry Christmas.
Not that I care. I mean, yeah, fundamentalists are scary. They object to the fact that Happy Holidays could simply mean "We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year". But I'm not going to change what I say because of some scary religious type people. Or am I?
I've devised a list (with Kahn!'s help) of things to say to people who object to "Happy Holidays" and insist upon saying "Merry Christmas":
- Fine, have a sad holiday. Have whatever kind of holiday you want.
- No thanks, I'm jewish.
- Not while that fat man and his evil little minions are out to get me.
- Maybe. Is she cute?
- Well, we're traditionalists. We celebrate when Jesus actually was born. In October.
- I love holidays that are all about getting laid in a manger.
Now you all have a little ammunition in the war on Christmas. Now, remember, as you're sitting in your homes next Sunday, be sure to remember that Christmas is the only religious and federal holiday. Because of those fundamentalists, you get a day off every year. So you just think long and hard about which side of the war you're on before hurling about those replies. And whatever you do, please, be careful. Just keep in mind who conducted the Spanish Inquisition, who started the Crusades, who thought the Salem witch trials were a good idea, and who banned Christmas for eighteen years. Good luck, and Happy Holidays!