Wednesday, January 04, 2006

We Are Outta Here!!!

Well, all you loyal Hardcore Ferret Pornians, it's time for all of us to say goodbye. I know, I know. We'll miss you too. But just because we're not going to be at Blogger anymore doesn't mean you can't visit. We're going to have the same old stuff at our new digs, plus some really cool things you won't want to miss. What was that? Sigh. Yes, we will still have the kitty porn. So come on by. Here's the new address:

Hardcore Ferret Porn

So, until you stop by and visit our new site, goodbye, so long, and keep watching the stars.

With Love from the HCFP Literati,

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Take That, Jesus!!

I've been fighting it. I didn't want to believe it was true. I didn't believe that people are that stupid. It is, after all, the holidays. Even I get a bit generous during this time of year. Oh, sure, I threw it around, like it was all in good fun. Well, my friends, I was wrong. It's not often that I admit that I am wrong about anything. Even about which will be bigger, Titanic, or The Wild Women of Wongo (time will tell, trust me). But, boy, was I wrong. I was blind. Forgive me. I didn't think that anyone took this so called war (it's really more of a skirmish or a police action) seriously. But, there it is. Right in front of us. A war on Christmas.
I know what you're thinking. It was the same thing I thought. Who in their right mind would even give Bill O'Reilly the time of day, let alone his own show. This was the same man who got caught talking dirty to a television producer with a vibrator up his ass. This man goes beyond normal realms of crazy and dumb. But, he has a strong, forgiving following. And by forgiving, I mean christian fundamentalists. Now, avid fans of HCFP know that I think christians, especially fundamentalist christians, are loony. That's why I never paid much attention to what O'Reilly was saying. Until a couple days ago.
I was at work, not minding my own business, as usual. Someone mentioned that no one said "Merry Christmas" anymore. Naturally, I made a smart ass remark about the "war", and someone laughed (it was probably me). But then someone else spoke up. Actually, about eight people spoke up. Angrily. In defense of Christmas. As if I had committed a heinous crime against humanity. That's right folks; the fundies were out to get me and make me change my Christmas hating ways.
One man said that "85% of America is christian, so 85% of the time you'd be right" with "Merry Christmas". The unrelated woman next to him followed with "the other 15% can just shut their mouths and deal with it". That last comment has something to do with the bible, I'm sure.
The man was correct (as much as I hate to admit it) that 85% of America call themselves Christian. He neglected to mention that only 40% are practicing. In Washington state, only 71% identify themselves as christians, and a whopping 27% are non-religious. That makes my fail rate suddenly a little higher when wishing someone a merry Christmas.
Not that I care. I mean, yeah, fundamentalists are scary. They object to the fact that Happy Holidays could simply mean "We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year". But I'm not going to change what I say because of some scary religious type people. Or am I?
I've devised a list (with Kahn!'s help) of things to say to people who object to "Happy Holidays" and insist upon saying "Merry Christmas":

  • Fine, have a sad holiday. Have whatever kind of holiday you want.
  • No thanks, I'm jewish.
  • Not while that fat man and his evil little minions are out to get me.
  • Maybe. Is she cute?
  • Well, we're traditionalists. We celebrate when Jesus actually was born. In October.
  • I love holidays that are all about getting laid in a manger.

Now you all have a little ammunition in the war on Christmas. Now, remember, as you're sitting in your homes next Sunday, be sure to remember that Christmas is the only religious and federal holiday. Because of those fundamentalists, you get a day off every year. So you just think long and hard about which side of the war you're on before hurling about those replies. And whatever you do, please, be careful. Just keep in mind who conducted the Spanish Inquisition, who started the Crusades, who thought the Salem witch trials were a good idea, and who banned Christmas for eighteen years. Good luck, and Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Maryloo-Hoo's Book Club

Well, Thanksgiving has past, and you know what that means. It's time for me to start tutoring again. I know; I can't believe they put me in charge of a kid and let me teach him things either. But with today's over crowded schools and jails, they'll take anyone who offers to help. How lucky for me! More unencumbered minds for me to warp.
This year, I've started to plan ahead as to what I'll give them to read. My own little book club, just like Oprah's. I'm giving you all the list a little early so I can get some feedback on my selections. I know some of these seem a little simple, but remember, I will be working with first graders, so have a little patience.

1) King Kong: My Life as a Giant Ape
Ah, the touching autobiography of a large ape, his trouble with drugs and alcohol, and the women who loved him. Oh, the women! Who knew all those times he climbed to the top of the Empire State Building and swatted at helicopters were just cries for help?

2) Competitive Philately
Philately is a hobby that's been around for centuries. It's enjoyed by people all over the world. But it has only been enjoyed competitively since 1963. In this book, written by five time world champion Chester A. Miller, you'll learn the rules and history behind competitive philately, and what you can do to get philately in the next Olympics.

3) Monica Angel's Pop-Up Guide to Anal Sex
This is the perfect gift for all those brown nosers in your life. Teach them how to really take it up the ass. This book claims to be "the definitive pop-up guide to back door love". To be honest, with the exception of that pop-up Kama Sutra book I found in the airport, I don't think I've ever seen a pop-up sex book. So, I guess, they're right.

4) In the Kitchen with Louie Anderson
This cookbook is not for the faint of heart- literally. Every recipe involves some combination of butter, lard, chocolate, and ranch dressing. But I must say his recipe for Southwest Meatloaf Surprise (pg 192) is fantastic!!

5) How Michael Moore Ruined My Life
This is a touching love story of how one young man lost the love of his country after they all go to see a film by Michael Moore. Readers are at the edge of their seats as they wait with anticipation to see if, somehow, the country will love him again. Perfect for the Republicans on your list.

6) Why Not... Puppets??
I know what you're thinking. I can't believe Jack J. Stevens is stilled allowed to make books. This is yet another book in his "Why Not..." Series. This one deals with the topic of puppets, in a way that only Stevens can. It encourages you to use puppets when you have a problem. I love the section on puppets in the bedroom.

There you have it. Six tasty selections that I have hand picked for my minions. I want everyone to let me know as soon as they have finished so we can have our own round table discussion. I'm curious to hear how you felt about the plot twist in number five. Until next time, keep reading!!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Michael Jackson and the Chocolate Factory

I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that I'm not into Hollywood. I'm not into big budget, blockbuster movies. I don't like feel good family comedies. I absolutely hate it when they remake perfectly good movies. But, sometimes, even I give in to a pretty face. And that's what I did recently. I'm not going to lie; I love Johnny Depp. I'd watch him in anything. Hell, I'd watch him stare at a wall for two hours. It's with this admiration for him that I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I didn't think it was possible to make a movie creepier than the original. But I was wrong. Damn my naiivety.
Sure the movie had it's good points. Who doesn't like watching puppets bursting into flames? Who doesn't like watching squirrels attack little girls (vile rodents!!). But good points aside, that movie was not at all for children. That movie gave me nightmares. Oh, I know the oompa-loompas weren't all that scary. It was my beloved Johnny that was.
Didn't anyone else notice how similar Willy Wonka was to that evil man who haunts children's dreams? That sinister man who comes out only at night to kidnap your children and do horrible, horrible things to them? That vile, repulsive man who has all the money in the world, but only wants children? That's right, I'm talking about Michael Jackson.

Think about it, and you'll find the similarities astonishing. They both have high voices. They both had troubling childhoods. They both want to be children. They both have private residences that double as playlands. They both have abnormally white skin. The list goes on and on.
Didn't somebody notice this during production, or post production? Honestly, after spending five minutes with Willy Wonka, I'd tell my kids we're getting the hell out of there. The man is a lunatic. He's always slipping in and out of fantasies. He lives with a bunch of tanned midgets for crying out loud!!! The man should be thrown in a cell with his doppelganger Michael, and the two of them should never again be allowed to see the light of day.
Now, this movie had enough faults. I'm almost positive that someone gave Johnny Depp a Denny's menu instead of the script, and never had the heart to tell him, and that was fun. There was entirely too much backstory. The oompa-loompa songs were terrible. But this whole Michael Jackson thing is by far the worst of them. This may be the worst idea since that wedding I went to where the priest had us all zeig heil the happy couple.
I am urging Hollywood to slow down. Take a minute to watch what you're putting out. You know the old saying "Haste makes waste"? Well, that's what's happening. In all the hustle and bustle of movie making, you're wasting lives and careers. Let's hope that poor Johnny doesn't get stereotyped as a Michael Jackson look-a-like. That would be a waste of one fine actor. And it would only empower the Jackson clan. It would be the end of the world as we know it. So, please, please, look at what you make. Don't let this happen to any other promising young actors. Only you can prevent the Jacksons.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Monkees: We Hardley Knew Ye

Here are some of the alternate names the creators of the 60's hit television series and pop icons "The Monkees" were considering:

-The Baboonees

-The Bananamen

-The Celebes Macaques

-The Beatles (later discovered to already be in use)

-Father Flannigans' Boyscout Jamboree (In this version Davy Jones played a lovable Catholic priest that took time to take a group of boyscouts on backwoods adventures, ultimately solving mysteries, his international rock band was secondary to the plot. The idea was later rejected as none of the network execs found a Catholic priest hanging out with a bunch of adolescents in the woods believable.)

-The Red Asses (rejected for its communist implications)

-The Infectious Dung Flingers (First runner up)

-The Corporate Rebellion Rock Group That Tested Well with Women Aged Sixteen to Thirty-Two (Shortened to CRRGTTWWWASTTT)

In the weeks leading up to the shows first airing in May of 1966 the moniker for the show was still under hot debate. The two major camps; those for "The Monkees" and those for "The Infectious Dung Flingers", were battling back and forth, sometimes resorting to childish name calling and late night house Tee-Peeings. The contest was decided 4 days before the premiere by then NBC-TV President Andy Lack who said "While IDF {Infectious Dung Flingers} would be a great name for this new and exciting project, we feel that 'The Corporate Rebellion Rock Group That Tested Well with Women Aged Sixteen to Thirty-Two' is the direction NBC would like to see this concept to head in." Andy later found his house covered in sanitary tissue and the words "Clen me" scrawled into his 1962 VW Bug. The show went on with the last minute change to "The Monkees", with a clever graphics Technician inserting the alternative text into the opening credits while the band screeched the then title song "Hey, hey, we're the Corporate Lackeys" (which was changed in later screenings of the now famous debut).

I hope all of you found this both educational and informative as we at the "International Institute for the betterment of understanding of the Monkees" continue our quest to study this 60's cultural phenomenon.