Mormons at Their Best

I've made mention in the past to websites that open your eyes to things. Today, Kahn pointed me in the direction of one that opened my eyes to a world I thought only existed in fairy tales. The world of Utah. I know, I know. We all make Mormon jokes, and every self respecting blogger has to make at least one Mormon post. But this blog that Kahn introduced me to goes beyond making one post. These guys are deserving of one full week of ridicule, if not more. But, since I haven't got that kind of time, here's a post devoted to crazy Mormons with their own blogs.
For all of you who are wondering, the blog that Kahn sent me the link to belongs to Samuel Whitaker. Sam is hopelessly in love with a woman named Molly. Molly is engaged to a man named Peter. The whole thing reeks of daytime television. Sadly, this soap opera is real life to some people. Like Sam, Molly, and Peter. These people live in Provo, Utah. Utah itself is a scary place, what with it's salt flats and all. But even scarier than those flats are the Mormons. For those of you who don't know anything about Morons, ahem, Mormons, they believe in the teachings of Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith was a quack who claimed to find the book of Mormon buried in his back yard. Apparently, these days, any and all backyard trash can be used to start a new religion.
But back to Molly, Sam, and Peter. Sam is a very devout mormon. He is also a very devout cyber stalker. This poor girl, Molly, just wants to lead a normal mormon life. Molly just can't wait until it's demeed proper to kiss this boy, nay, this man, who she has dated for the last two years. Who is this goofball to ruin that dream? His big opposition is that they are not married, so they shouldn't partake in the most sanctamonious of sanctamonies until they are. Oh, but update!! Peter and Molly are engaged!! What does ol' Sam have to say about this??
"Engaged!????? Peter and Molly are engaged!???? I'm so upset I can hardly type... I've always said that if a girl is engaged she is no longer someone I would date, but in this case I've changed my mind!"
It's quite obvious that Sam has problems. That much is shown by his posts, and the frequency in which he comments on Molly's site. But to top it off, his father comes on to say Sam is in counseling, and that he has cut off his internet. How embarassing is that? I know you're all thinking these are a bunch of jr. high kids, but Sam is twenty-seven!! Before you add pedophilia to his list of wrongs, Molly and Peter are both twenty-one. That's right; these people are all adults. And twenty-seven year old Sam has resorted to stealing his neighbors' wireless internet, just so he can continue his stalking.
As exciting of a chap that Sam is, Peter is oh so much more. It's no wonder that Molly is in love with him (assuming she's not confusing her love for Peter with her love for the spirit). Peter is quite the catch. Why, when he "accidentally" rented a porn for Molly and his sister, he immediately turned it off (after waiting for everyone to take their close off). Not only was he outraged, he did what every god fearing american did- he wrote his governor. That's right! He took it upon himself to start a crusade against Hollywood. Naturally, no one took him seriously (except other mormons). But he is the perfect person to take up such a crusade. He has, after all, seen the world. And by world, I mean Michigan. Yes, Peter's only excursion outside of Utah is to do missioanry work in Michigan (try saying that three times fast). Now, grant it, Michigan is in dire need of some saving, but can one really base their opinion of the world on that one state of the union? That's like basing an entire idea of vegetables on brussell sprouts. Regardless, his mission trip to Michigan makes him the most traveled in the the entire state.
And then there is Molly. By some magical twist of fate, this woman has two men fighting over him. That's the drean of every woman. How this happened to some pugly mormon girl is beyond me. Molly is a sweet, bordering on outright stupid, naiive girl who just wants to live a normal christian life. Unfortunatley she's a mormon, so there's no chance of her being normal. She believes that films that are unrated are ok, that they're so squeaky clean they don't need a rating. There is no possible way that they are R rated, or even pornographic. No one is safe from her judgement. Not anyone in the entertainment industry, at least. Why, just recently poor Jessica Simpson was the subject of her persecution. As if she didn't have enough publicity for her marriage/pregnancy/abortion, now, mormons are after her. Jessica's good name has been submitted to C.R.U.D.E. (Crusade to Remove Ungodly Demeaning Entertainment). You can be sure that dozens of crazy mormons are writing to her, telling her to cover up that sexy body of hers. Doesn't she know whe should wear ankle length skirts and baggy sweatshirts, especially if she wants to be a cultural icon?
This sordid love triangle goes on and on, but like I've said before, I don't have the time to keep you all updated. My advice is to go check it out for yourselves. And, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, visit Utah. I don't care if you have a layover in SLC. Find an alternative route. Unless you are investigating the hardcore punk scene. Then shave your head, pierce your nose, and party on!