Zombies, Zombies, Everywhere, and No Spicy Brains to Eat

I was watching a movie the other day, The Prince of Tides, and I got to thinking. What is the deal with zombies? So, they're dead, but they're not. Some crave brains, some don't. They walk funny, and they have the speech capabilites of giraffes. What is going on with them?
Let's start with the walk. Zombies have a walk all over their own. And it's cool. I have personally seen Rob Zombie imitate that walk on several occasions. Of course, his name is Rob Zombie. I wonder if there's any relation. Hmm. The real question is, what causes this walk? Is it rigor mortis? For those of you who don't know, Rigor Mortis is a speed metal band out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. (Who says nothing ever comes out of Texas?) Could this band be the cause and origin of the walk? Maybe it's the lack of communication between the now dead brain and the outer extremities. But, if they're walking around, is the brain really dead? Is the brain rotting away in their heads, like the rest of the body? What about the zombies that claw their way out of the ground. You know the ones I'm talking about. These guys have been worms food for years, and suddenly they're up walking around. What's the condition of their brains then? And what about the fact that some of them can walk if you sever their spinal cord, and some of them fall over like a pile of old clothes? Superman himself, Christopher Reeve, never recovered from his spinal cord injury, and he was Superman!! Now if Superman can't walk, why the hell should these guys?
Without establishing whether or not the brain is alive in zombies, it's going to be hard to figure out why they talk funny, or not at all. But, let's speculate anyway. Let's assume the brain is alive. (You know what happens when you assume, don't you?) If the brain is alive, then he/she/it should be capable of the same amount of speech as it was when it was alive. Now, realistically speaking, the slowest and dumbest usually become zombies first. This may actually acount for the monosyllabic grunts and moans. At least they're not saying "Hey Ma! Lookee here! This here piggy's one of dem zombies." How often have you seen an eloquent zombie? Three, four times, maybe? You don't see zombies giving motivational speeches very often. Of course, a monosyllabic grunts are still better than any of David Frum's speeches. Perhaps these grunts and groans are a way of communtcating with other zombies. You know, like a primitive dolphin or something. Perhaps when one zombie is saying "Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhh", it translates to "Hey Phil. Find any brains recently? No? That's ok. How's the kids?". Why else would they follow each other around? Zombies are social creature who hunt for brains in packs.
For that matter, why is brains the staple of a Zombie diet? I know we have all seen Return of the Living Dead, where the zombie says that brains take away from the pain of decomposing, but who really believes that crap? I think that zombies really aren't all that hungry, but one of them says "Eeeerrrrrr" ("I could really go for some brains right about now", for those of you who don't speak zombie), and every one agrees. So now they're on a mission to find brains. They're like a couple of stoners, desperate to get some White Castle hamburgers (hey, that would make a great movie!).
Why is it that zombies are always in the best bands. I went to a show the other day, and the best band their was comprised totally of zombies. Is there something about being undead that gives them great rhyhtm? Does your previously unused right hemisphere suddenly kick into high gear once you die, or rather, undie? Or were these zombie bands a bunch of guys (or girls) who were in a crappy garage band in high school, and now are taking their chance to get noticed. And let's not forget that everyone forgives them for their off key instruments. They are zombies, after all. They probably can't hear very well, what with all the maggots in their ears.
There are so many more questions that need answering about these creatures. Someone should make a National Geographic special on them. Perhaps the Rand Corporation could do some research on them, before selling them to the government to create some sort of superhuman zombie army. And maybe, we can finally find out the secret to making good music.