Jim Sinegal: Future Overlord, or Friendly CEO?

I'm not going to lie. I love Costco. I'm not just saying that because I work there. Yes, I know there's no way I will ever consume a gallon of mayonnaise before it expires. Yes, I know I don't need ten pounds of taco seasoning. Yes, I know those faux suede pillows are horribly tacky. I don't care. My love for Costco goes beyond all those things. I make decent wages. I have all three major insurances (medical, dental, and vision, ooo la la). My managers are comparatively laid back. I get a free executive membership (yeah, that's 2% cash back). I work with almost exclusively attractive people (why do you think so many people shop there? Great deals? Ha!). And, I don't want to brag, but I've met the president of the company, Jim Sinegal, on two separate occasions. He's such a happy fellow, in a business sort of way. He almost reminds me of the Quaker Oats guy, if the Quaker Oats guy owned a multi-million dollar corporation.
One night, while sitting on the couch, basking in the glow of my love for Costco, I was watching my favorite TV show, The Simpsons. It was the episode in which Homer goes to work for Hank Scorpio, the overly friendly megalomaniac owner of the Globex Corporation. It was during that episode that I started to see the similarities between Hank and Jim. They're both nice, they both treat their employees well, they both own corporations. It hit me! Jim Sinegal is planning on taking over the world!!



Jim Sinegal and Hank Scorpio: Friendly megalomaniacs or just misunderstood bosses?




It all makes sense! Why else would anyone sell stuff in bulk to the public? He's giving them fair warning to stock up on supplies while they can, in preparation for the impending armageddon. Yes, stock up with things bought at my store, he says, with a twisted grin on his face. Who is going to help you when I unleash my Doomsday device? The UN? Let them save you. But will they supply you with faux suede pillows? I think not.
He's already started to put his plan into motion. Do you really believe that Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster? An act of god? No, it was just evil Jim testing the waters. He had no idea that FEMA, state, and local governments would fuck things up so bad. Why do think he's donating so much money to the Red Cross? His little practice run took a turn for the worse. Just wait until he perfects his little machine. Then we will all be at the mercy of this merry little leprechaun, and his happy little elves from the land of Kirkland.
And I for one am glad to be one of his minions. After all, we're not going to feel his rath, as long as we do his bidding. Hell, there's even profit sharing. Yes, when Jim Sinegal takes over the world, I am going to be raking it in. Maybe you should all start kissing my ass along with his.
Yes, it's inevitable. This man is going to take over the world. And nobody is going to do a damn thing to stop him. We even encourage him by buying more baby gherkins than we could ever use at a thousand cocktail parties. The truth is, we want him to take over the world. We like Jim Sinegal. We want him to be our overlord and master. Think about the alternatives, what other corporations could take over the world: AOL/Time Warner, WalMart, Ted Turner, or even (gasp!) Disney! A world that would be ruled by Disney would be hell. Everyone singing and dancing, because they've all been implanted with a chip to make them sing and dance at Michael Eisner's command. No, that would be no life at all.
At least on Planet Costco (as it would surely be renamed), we wouldn't have to sing, unless it was to the Karaoke machine bought at Costco, or dance, unless it was to the player piano (a steal at $3000). Our freezers would be filled with frozen dinners of all varieties, half a cow, and six whole chickens. Our salads will contain tomatoes that are ten times more addictive than heroin. Our homes will be decorated better than any Robin Leach had ever visited. Yes, when Jim Sinegal takes over the world, it'll be Screw Kappa Nappa wishes, and Rotisserie Chicken dreams!