Take a Bath or No One Will Like You

Yes, it's that time again. Time for me to review another film from R.I.P. Films. This little gem is from 1947, and is described as "one of the best examples of post-World War II social guidance films". I'm excited, are you?

Are You Popular? (1947)

Before I begin, let me just say that this film has certainly taught me a lot about being popular. It is hard work! I just don't know how Carolyn manages it. Are You Popular follows around Carolyn, who is supposed to be the model for teenage girls. Yes, back in the day, June Cleaver wasn't considered a reasonable role model, so the Coronet company created their own. Carolyn is young, pretty, and apparently bisexual, yet scandal free (I just don't know how she does it!). She is new to the average American high school in the film, and immediately the drama nerds are drooling over her. These people are the most popular in school, or so the film would have us believe. Why, when Jenny, the school whore comes by, they refuse to let her sit at their lunch table. Drama snobs is more like it.
No one likes Jenny because, well, Jenny is like a doorknob. (And I'm not talking dumb either). Jenny has no self esteem, because no one likes her, and gets attention any way she can. By "parking " in cars with boys. It's a vicious circle.
Back to Carolyn. The first thing anyone notices about her is how clean she is. Apparently, in the average American high school, no one bathes. Yes, an occasional shower is valued more at this school than large breasts, or a twin sister. Once Clean Carolyn gets asked out on a date, she immediately shows just how organized she is by writing it down. The narrator makes sure to mention that she doesn't spend a lot of time on the phone, because boys don't like to gab, and girls should do everything in their power to make boys happy.
The day of the date arrives. Carolyn is just finishing getting perfect when the phone rings. Gasp! It's Jerry! Jerry had his eye on Carolyn from the get go, but waited until the last minute to ask her out. He is heartsick to find out that Carolyn already has a date, but is hopeful that she's a bit of a player. Carolyn turns him down, but gives him hope for next week. Jerry hangs up the phone and plays the conversation over and over in his head, trying to figure out what went wrong. He's a clean guy; why didn't Carolyn ditch her loser date for him? He doesn't let it bother him for long. He pulls out his little black book and makes another call.
Finally, Wally (Carolyn's date) arrives. Carolyn watches him squirm as she introduces him to her parents, and then abandons him briefly to see how he fairs with Papa Bear. After all, if he doesn't get along with Daddy, he's not good husband material. Wally does fine, and mother insists that they eat her brownies when they get back. She doesn't want to gain weight and displease Father. Apparently, this whole brownie scheme is something mom and Carolyn have cooked up ahead of time to keep Carolyn from having sex. (The way to a man's heart, and away from is penis, is through his stomach.) Carolyn and Wally then go on their date. Important points are reviewed, a happy ending is experienced by all.
All, except me, that is. Naturally I couldn't let this go, being the feminazi that I am and all. Why put much emphasis on being clean? Some of the most popular people I've met have been as dirty as a hippy. Also, where's all the emphasis on the boys to be popular? Is it because women are happy just to get any man, and men only want the popular ones? This film has ruined women's outlook on dating and life in general for decades. Only now are we starting to undo the damage it has wrought. And what's all this crap about the drama club being popular. When I was in school, the drama club was some of the most acne covered, over biting, D&D playing dweebs I've ever seen. Who wants to follow their rules to being popular? Yes, bathe, and then join us for a spirited round of Magic, the Gathering. Oh, we'll have such laughs. Now, I'm sure those of you who were in drama club in high school are offended, but just pull out your yearbook, and you'll see exactly what everyone else sees. And there is no way a clean, pretty, bisexual woman is going to help you. No, this film is just plain evil. It gives hope to the downtrodden. It sets the women's lib movement back years. It should be buried. Under a rock. In a cave. On Mars. Drastic measures must be made to let this movie never again see the light of day. On second thought, it was still better than Batman Begins.